When Kristal Amezquita calls herself a mother, she believes it every bit, wholeheartedly. “I AM a mother. I delivered, I felt contractions, I got an epidural. I am just like any other mother,” she wrote. But the only difference is that she didn’t get the chance to go back home cradling her newborn in her arms.
Kristal wrote on Instagram, “I didn’t get the luxury of raising my son. God is doing that for me.”
Everything seemed to be going well with her pregnancy, up until one moment she found herself in a hospital room, screaming from the excruciating pain, just 21 weeks into her pregnancy.
“As soon as the doctor took a look at me he said a bunch of doctor phrases and then it hit me, I was in labor at 21 weeks,” she wrote on her blog. “He told me my cervix had opened up allowing contact with the vaginal canal and the membranes were protruding causing bacteria to come into the sac and placenta and at that point all the liquid that Ian needed to survive was slowly coming out.”
But the worst news came after that. “He told me Ian would not survive and it was too late to stop what was going on,” she wrote. If the ordeal was not stressful enough already, what happened during the birth is something many would describe as traumatic.
The young mother saw the doctor drop her little one’s tiny body on the floor.
“I was so in shock, the OB who delivered Ian dropped him when he came out, and kept saying to me, ‘It’s okay, you’re young, you’ll have more, YOU are okay.’ How can you tell me I’M okay when I just lost my son?! I couldn’t believe what had just happened,” the young woman wrote in a post published on Love What Matters.
“My mom said she felt like he was going to be thrown away with all the trash – the way the OB handled Ian. Since Ian was so tiny, he kind of slid right out and they failed to catch him.”
Even though she didn’t get the chance to return home with Ian and raise him as her own, she will remember the moment she held him in his arms for a long time. “When Ian was placed into my arms, I was in love, he was perfect. He looked just like his daddy,” she wrote. “He had the cutest little nose and lips. His body was long and thin just like his dad. He was born at 11:40 and weighed 10 ounces. After he was born my family was allowed into the room. I was in shock, I would go in and out of crying. All I wanted to do was hold my baby boy.”
If there was anything she could have done to save him, she would have, “How I wish I could of saved you my baby boy. I’d choose the pain all over again even to hold you for a moment. you are the love of my life & I will forever tell my story.”
As she tried to heal, she found that some days were harder than others. A month before her actual due date, which was meant for her planned baby shower, she wrote, “it’s a month away from my due date & i’m in pieces. i’m trying, i’m learning everyday how to live with this empty feeling. i’ll miss you forever & i’ll love you for always my son. the things i’d do to hold his perfect hand again.”
The one hope she holds on to is that others, who have experienced the loss of a child or a miscarriage or have gone through preterm labor, would read her story and be encouraged to share their own.
She will never stop seeing herself as “Ian’s Momma” and wrote, “I know Ian knows how much I love and miss him, I know he is in my heart and that gives me comfort.”