The Childhood Wounds We Carry In Adulthood, when we were deprived of love
“Dissociation is the common response of children to repetitive, overwhelming trauma and holds the untenable knowledge out of awareness. As the child gets older, he will turn the rage in upon himself or act it out on others, else it all will turn into madness.”
― Judith Spencer
Love is the most primitive feelings that humans can comprehend. During childhood, the emotional connect we develop with those around us has a major role to play of what we become in our adulthood.
Each and every child irrespective of from where they belong, or how they are, have a few basic needs- they want to feel protected, respected, allowed a certain amount of freedom and most importantly, be loved. Emotional distress in the growing years can be caused by multiple factors such as emotional disconnect with parents, development of unhealthy sibling rivalry, over-controlling guardians, and being burdened by expectations.
Emotional distress hazardous for sensitive children
In the case of the children being sensitive by nature, the psychological impacts of being deprived of love are even more prominent. They have intense emotional responses to every event happening around them. Thus, if they face any amount of emotional trauma, it will trigger intense feelings and they will be emotionally damaged permanently.
On the outside, all the people who were emotionally deprived as a child might seem alright because all their basic physical needs such as clothing and food is being met. But the lack of recognition makes the invisible emotional wounds bleed.
Don’t push them in the hole of ‘You are trash!’
One of the most common wounds of being deprived of love in childhood is the feeling of ‘useless’ that develops in the individual. Constantly being underappreciated and undermined while growing up, delivers a huge blow to one’s self-esteem. Often, children who are deprived of love, grow up into adults who find it difficult to even imagine that they are worthy of being loved. They feel like whatever they do, there will always be a part of them that will stop people from making an emotional connect with them.
The self-deprecating feeling that develops due to the lack of love, generally leads to loneliness. The individual’s experiences with the people closest to them, while growing up, ignite major trust issues. They doubt if they will ever be able to receive love at any level and tend to distrust people who actually take the initiative. Making friends becomes extremely difficult for them as they always feel that they are not worthy of anyone’s friendship. Self-doubt make it very hard for them to develop romantic relationships.
A child is a gift of God – Appreciate them, ALL THE TIME!
As a child, one needs to be appreciated for every little thing they do. Every time a child is appreciated, they become more confident and try to improve themselves. But if children’s efforts are ignored or not appreciated by their parents and adults in their life, they naturally develop a tendency to be anxious around people.
The psychological reason for most adults being under-confident is the lack of emotional attention they receive in their childhood. The reason why even for the meager tasks, they think a thousand times about the perception people will have about them if or not they accomplish it. Looking for validation, even from strangers, becomes very important for them to find self-worth.
The constant ‘you are not worthy’ in childhood can lead to depression in adults
Not being loved as a child, gives birth to a constant feeling of guilt and shame within us. This is because most children feel that they are not worthy of their parents’ love. They develop this notion that they are not loved because it’s their fault or mistakes. When these feelings are transferred to an adult, they only intensify and cause immense stress to the person. We will constantly feel guilty about the smallest mistakes we make.
Overthinking and depression are the most common outcomes of such guilt. In other cases, to overcome this feeling of guilt, we might become too sensitive to the needs of those around us. We might interfere too much in other people’s lives to make sure that they love us. This only drive people away from us.
Tell them: Love is NOT trade
Emotionally deprived children tend to believe that love is a transaction. As we grow up, we feel that in order to be loved by someone, we must be of some use to them. We think that we are not supposed to be loved because of who we are but because of what we can do for the person we want to be loved by. This often results in such adults being a part of toxic and abusive relationships as they feel that being physically or mentally abused by their partner is a price, they have to pay for being loved by them.
Healing childhood wounds is difficult but not impossible.
You just need to make peace with the struggle and tell your heart that ‘It was not your fault.’ As an adult, now it’s on you to pick your people carefully so that they help you overcome the childhood wounds and emerge as a better person.
One last thing, raise your children better so that they don’t have to survive with a gaping hole in their hearts.