When it’s something you can’t tell absolutely anyone in your life, the very last thing one might do to get something off their chest is to tell a bunch of strangers while staying anonymous. A distressed mother was left with no other choice but to share her story on Reddit. “I can’t tell anyone this, even my therapist. Lambast me if you wanr and maybe I even deserve it. I only ask what you would do if you were in my situation. Not what you think “people should” do. What you would REALLY do,” she wrote.
She’s a mother of two boys, who were 12 and 7 when she wrote the post. And three years before that, she lost her husband in a work accident. “A very large portion of me believe it was a suicide,” she wrote. “I can’t see him EVER making the mistake he made that caused his death, and he had taken an action just before that which ensured his co-workers weren’t in the room. I fully believe he killed himself because of our younger son and no one will ever change my mind.”
When she was pregnant with her second child, the woman was told that they would have a child with Down Syndrome and that they would be able to handle raising the boy. But only later did they find out that a “chromosome deletion” was the problem.
“His disorder is kind of rare so I won’t post which specific one but suffice to say he’ll never be anything more than he is now or has ever been. And what he is, is nothing,” the distraught mother said. “He doesn’t appear to have any awareness and never has. His eyes are locked in one position, he doesn’t respond to noise, touch, or pain. He is total care. He is capable of nothing. He is tube fed and on oxygen. He is in diapers and will be forever. He makes no sounds, no attempts to communicate. He never even really cried as a baby.”
She went on to say, “I’m not upset because I got a special needs/’imperfect’ child. I feel the way I feel because this…… thing….. takes up 200% of my time and does NOTHING. I didn’t get an imperfect child. I didn’t get a child. I don’t love him. He doesn’t have any personality, there is nothing to love. And yet I’m responsible for him.”
Because of the condition that her son has, he requires constant care and medical attention. “In addition to his extreme delays he’s also medically fragile. Respiratory crises, fecal impactions (his autonomic nervous system doesn’t function properly), issues with his G tube, infections, pressure sores no matter WHAT we put him on or how we position him,” she went on to say.
“He breathes but he is not alive. He doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t know who Older Son is. He has no sense of self, life experience, or awareness of his surroundings,” the woman added.
She also shared the impact that her younger’s son’s presence in their house was having on the older one. “He’s ruined my older son. I was so wrapped up on the younger I never realized how ignored and damaged he was,” the woman wrote. “He lost his father too. I didn’t just lose my husband. HE is my priority now and this malignant lump can be someone else’s problem. At least they’ll be paid a wage to care for him. At least they’ll get a break from him when they punch out.”
Her older son even had an outburst, about which the mother said, “The final straw was I heard a sound. I went into Younger Son’s room to check, thinking he had forgotten how to breathe again, and saw Older Son hitting him and screaming “You’re why I don’t have a mother! You’re why I don’t have a father! You’re why I can’t have friends over! You’re why I can’t be in sports! I didn’t ask for you and I hope you die!”
The idea of raising a baby with Down Syndrome was something that the woman said she was fine with. “I was looking FORWARD to raising a Downs baby. Even one with severe impairments, for that reason. With disability can come gifts. This boy is not a gift. He is a genetic mistake I probably should have miscarried and would have definitely terminated if I’d known he would be like this.”
The mother tried to think from her younger son’s perspective, too. “He doesn’t need to be in my home. He doesn’t know or care where he is. He is genetically my son but he is not family…” she wrote. “…if he HAS awareness….. he’s miserable. And there is nothing I can do. If he has likes and dislikes no one knows what they are. If he is in pain he can’t tell anyone. If he wants anything, he can’t communicate. He’s had every imaginable therapy, nothing has made a difference.”
The thought of the little boy no longer being at home made her “excited and relieved and then guilty because I know we’ll be happier with him gone.”
She finally said towards the end of her post, “I just want to never think of him again and I’m not sorry. And for that, I’m sorry. Thanks for reading.”
A number of people shared their views about the situation. deadmunkee wrote, “Honestly, I think that may be the best/only choice for you. While I can’t understand exactly what you’re going through, I’ve seen how bad it can be for parents of children with any disorder. It may sound cruel, but I hope doing this can help the bond between you and your older son.”
haha_hero commented and said “Hearing you insult him for something that is not his fault and blame him for something he didn’t do is shitty and hateful on your end though.You’re making the best decision.”