I may look tough on the outside, but the truth is that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. My soul is tired. And I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a stranger to myself. I feel defeated.
You see, I have always strived to be a self-sufficient, determined, and fearless person that can handle any problem and live a truly happy and successful life without help from other people.
But, there comes a time in life when after a long period of time of ignoring the stress and pressures of everyday life and pretending that everything is okay, all of a sudden you succumb to the pressure and give up.
Yes, you give up.
You break into countless tiny pieces. You lose your sense of self. You try hard to put the broken pieces together, but you don’t have the strength to succeed in that. You try hard to keep your tears from falling down, but you aren’t powerful enough to do that.
And then you finally realize that regardless of how hard you try to stay strong and positive, your soul is tired. You are breaking on the inside.
Well, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling for the last three or four months.
And I must admit that I am scared. I am terrified.
Because I’ve always been the one that had the courage to do even the most unimaginable things. I’ve faced my greatest fears and insecurities. I’ve tried hard to nurture my friendships and relationships. I’ve fought for my happiness and for the happiness of my loved ones. I’ve gone through the most painful heartbreaks. I’ve learned not to depend on others for help and my happiness. I’ve learned to be an independent, strong, and resilient person.
But now, I don’t feel like that person. Now, I feel as if I wasn’t that tough after all.
I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. I am tired.
Yes, I am bone tired.
I’m tired of trying to be strong all the time. I’m tired of always doing everything in my power to be there for everyone. I’m tired of laughing when I’m breaking inside. I’m tired of suppressing my emotions. I’m tired of proving to others and to myself, too, that I am tough.
It’s high time I stopped running away from my feelings and myself.
It’s high time I stopped feeling afraid to be vulnerable.
I need to understand that I’m only a human being and that I’m allowed to feel broken, hurt, and weak. I’m allowed to feel vulnerable. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be tired.
And no! Feeling fragile, weak, or tired is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it shows that you’ve been strong for a long time. It shows that you long to be loved. It shows that you need someone to remind you that it’s fine to not be strong all the time.