It’s hard to tell what might be going on in the mind of someone struggling with mental health issues. They may have a veneer of confidence, but they could also be hiding their deepest fears. Beneath their convincing smile, they might keep their true emotions away from the world. World Mental Health Day saw many celebrities opening up about the struggles with mental health they or someone they knew dealt with, and singer Ellie Goulding was one of them, Mirror reports.
In a recent Instagram post, the 32-year-old talks about the heartbreak and regret she felt after tragically losing her grandfather to suicide, wishing things had gone differently while he was still alive.
“Today I’m thinking about my grandfather, who took his own life a few years back,” she wrote on Instagram. “I wish I had spoken to him more, and wish we could have had even the smallest clue of how unhappy he was.”
Talking about her own struggles with mental health and anxiety, Goulding said, “We all have a right to feel what we do, whatever it is, whoever we are- Exhilaration, madness, absolutely nothing at all, confusion, chronic sadness… (I can sometimes feel all these things in the space of a few days).”
Despite having achieved staggering success over the years, the talented singer said she has a hard time believing she deserved any of it, revealing she suffers from imposter syndrome. “I know for sure that a lot of my anxiety has come from what they call ‘imposter syndrome’ not believing in myself enough and thinking that I don’t deserve happiness, which results in wanting to sabotage my own success.”
Writing for Wellandgood, the 32-year-old spoke about the panic attacks she would have because she didn’t feel good about herself, “Secretly, I was really struggling physically and emotionally. I think part of what sparked my panic attacks was not feeling confident enough to believe in myself—I was scared I wasn’t as good of a singer as everyone thought I was. And as the stakes grew, I was afraid of letting everyone, including myself, down.”
The singer recalled how she had changed for people who don’t even deserve it, but now, she’s more confident and swears to never change for anyone else, “You should never change for anyone. And I say that because I’ve done it before; I’ve changed for a man… I was so, so in love with him that I’d have done anything.”
“I look back now and think, ‘What an idiot!’ You only realise when you’re out of it how someone can have a hold over you. He treated me horrendously and I just didn’t help myself. My confidence has grown in the past year, as a woman… I feel strong in more ways than one at the moment… I feel very independent…”
Goulding starting finding ways to let her inner confidence build through physical activities, that eventually improved her belief in herself. The Grammy-nominated artist wrote, “It wasn’t about any change in my outward appearance; it was about seeing and feeling myself get better and stronger. It carried over into other areas of my life, and now I truly feel that exercise—however you like to work out—is good for the soul.”
She also added, “…now that I believe in myself more, that confidence comes through, whether I’m working out, singing onstage, or just hanging out by myself at home.”
While she wishes she could’ve helped her grandfather, she also has deep admiration for people who can do something as simple yet significant like making the most of a day even when they don’t feel like it.
She ended her Instagram post by saying, “I admire those who get out of bed every morning and seize the day, even when they’re not feeling too great. That requires a lot of courage. Please know that you are doing amazingly and I’m proud of you.”