Surviving a break up is possible. It will be painful and your recovery might not be as quick as you would like it to be but you will recover and life will go on, as good, if not better, than before.
I have written many blogs about things you can do that are key to surviving a breakup. Now here are some things that are good to know about surviving a breakup – things that might make your recovery just a little bit easier.
1– It’s ok to be sad.
So many of my clients are so very angry at themselves for being sad about a breakup.
In our modern times, it’s a weakness to be sad, to cry, to be anything less than strong and self-assured. Unfortunately, there is nothing worse than a broken heart and I don’t know one person in the history of the world who hasn’t felt pain after a breakup.
Furthermore, it’s okay to be sad for more than a few days. Have any of your friends told you to suck it up and get over it? Are you beating yourself for still letting this breakup make you so sad? Well, don’t.
Like any traumatic event or illness, getting over a broken heart takes time. Americans absolutely suck at taking their time getting over something. As soon as things are even just a little bit better, we believe that we need to jump up and get back to our lives, fully intact. But it just doesn’t work that way.
Let yourself be sad and let yourself be sad for a while. Don’t wallow but recognize your feelings and let them happen. If you stuff them down it will be even harder to get past them.
2– Your thoughts can derail you.
Our very worst enemy, even in the best of times, are our brains. Our brains produce pesky thoughts that can drive us down to the darkest place. And, unless we are aware of them, our thoughts can make surviving a break up even more difficult.
One of the most common worries that I hear from my clients is that their person, their broken person who was making their lives miserable, will find someone else and suddenly become perfect. That all of the issues that they struggled with will be magically cured with their new lover.
This just doesn’t happen. People aren’t magically cured when they find love. They might feel like they are cured in the short term but the reality is is that people don’t change unless they do their work.
So, don’t let the thought of your ex now being perfect derail your recovery. Even if you see them looking picture perfect on Instagram, know that they will always be who they are, unless they try to change.
Another thing that derails us is that the pain of a break up is so bad that the only thing that can fix it is getting back together. And, of course, getting back together will ease your pain for a day or two but, sooner than later, the pain of the relationship will return and you will be right back where you started.
A third thing that can really mess with your head is believing that you are less of a person because of this breakup. That you are a failure and completely unloveable and that you just gave up and should have been stronger.
But, really, there were two people in that relationship and if you both weren’t willing to do the work, to give each other what you needed, then it just wasn’t fixable. You couldn’t singlehandedly keep the relationship going.
Pay attention to your thoughts. If nasty ones pop up, push back against them. Question their reality. Don’t let those pesky thoughts derail all of your hard recovery work.
3– Stalking won’t be helpful.
One of the things that can completely derail surviving a break up is stalking your ex.
When I was younger the only thing that we could do if a guy broke up with us was to drive around to bars and hangouts and hope that we would see him. Chances were usually slim.
These days, it’s incredibly easy to keep tabs on your ex. Social media is at our fingertips always and the inclination to get a little fix of what we lost can be irresistible.
BUT, let me ask you – how do you feel after you stalk your ex? Do you ever feel better? No? Shocking.
Stalking is the worst thing that you can do if you are trying to get over your ex. Recovery gets easier the longer you have no contact with your person and that includes seeing them on social media.
So, resist the urge to snoop. If you have to, unfriend or unfollow your ex. And remember, the person who is posting on Instagram isn’t necessarily sharing a true vision of themselves. How many times have you posted an inspirational quote when you were feeling really shitty?
Yeah, me too.